Cheyanne here!
All my life as long as I can remember, even as a child, I have always struggled with severe depression as well as other mental battles. It always kind of got in the way of any self-love i could have for myself.
Growing up my dad was always in and out alot and it killed me because he was all I ever wanted. He was what I wished for every year blowing out my candles on my birthday. He was what I wanted on the holidays. I just wanted him home. I just wanted his love. Back then I could never understand why I was'nt enough for him to stay. I knew he had mental issues as well because its where I got it from but he let it get in the way alot. He always let it take over him. It led him down some crazy roads. Watching that, I promised I would never let myself get that bad.
When I was a teenager I ended up in a very toxic relationship that tour my being and soul apart. Ripping all my bliefs from within me. He took everything from me. I had no friends let alone a life with all of the control he had. There were things that happened between us that I thought I could never forgive myself for letting happen. Even if things weren't my fault I always put it on myself. I hated myself. I was stuck for so long that when I finally got away I didnt know how to live with out him. He was all I had. I was crippled.
I couldnt understand why the two people I had so much love for could hurt me so bad. I started to blame myself. I hated myself. I hated my mind. I even hated my body. Everyone always commented on how skinny I was. I always got called anerexic and baleemic. On top of that i was so self conscious about my eczema that was all over my body . I felt like I had to cover it up, as if people thought it was gross. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was losing it.
After so many years of trying to get help through counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists they just kept passing me back and forth. One medicine to another. At one point I started to lose partial memory. It was an absolutely terrifying experiance even after memories slowly came back piece by piece here and there after time.
After memory loss and changing nonstop to please others I lost myself. Sometimes I feel like I dont even remember how to talk to people like I used to or even how my personality was. I became afraid of interaction. I went through severe anxiety because of it all and was afraid of everything and everyone for so long! I have been slowly overcoming that little by little with Gods strength pulling me through!
Now photography has always been something I love and usually is so much fun and relaxing for me! Its really about the memories for me. Over the years, capturing another person's beauty and seeing how unique each and every one of us really is, has helped me to also see myself in a better light. I'm just here trying to rebuild myself and learn how to love myself just like everyone else. I'm ready for my new shell! God has a plan for me. He is not done with me yet. With him by my side I know I'll get through anything! This is the beginning of my self-love journey.