Monday I was talking to my Nana about his death and she said to me “time will heal you” and I replied back to her “you don’t heal from death, you just learn to live with it”. I honestly believe that my brother was telling me it’s OK and that everything will be OK.
Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. Yesterday I had a break down in the middle of working. I just sat at my computer and cried. I felt helpless. I felt like life just isn’t fair to me.
Yesterday I logged onto an old Jpay account to message my brother back that is in jail. I accidentally logged into my old account and seen messages from David (my other brother that I lost 3 years ago). I couldn’t help myself but to read them. I couldn’t stop myself from reading all the messages no matter how hard I was crying. I just kept saying to myself, you should be here David. I shouldn’t be sitting here reading messages from you thinking about all of our memories. I should be getting off work, calling you trying to figure out what you’re doing today! I didn’t remember those messages, I didn’t really remember talking about my wedding with him. It really hurt my feelings that I couldn’t remember something about my brother. As I read his last message which was him wishing me a happy birthday in 2015, I sadly remembered that was the last time David Michael Anthony Malcolm told me happy birthday! That was the last time my oldest brother told me happy birthday. I know that may not seem like a lot to some people, but it really broke my heart.
I have NEVER questioned if my brother loved me, I know he did. But to see those messages and him telling me he loved me in all capital letters is what I needed. I needed to reminded that he is ALWAYS with me. I needed to be reminded that he does indeed love me. I needed to be reminded of those messages. I needed that. I needed that sign from my brother who I miss every single day.
As I was sitting there at my desk a co-worker came up to me and could clearly see I was crying and gave me one of those hugs that I really needed. She helped cheer me up and continued to pop in on me throughout the day!
I am one of those people who don’t reach out when I am feeling upset. I just want to say to all you ladies - that if you ever want to talk message me, call me, do whatever you have to do to talk to someone about it. I bottle my feelings up so much and I know it’s not healthy for me. -My goal for the rest of the year is to let them out and not bottle things up because I don’t want to feel like I’m being annoying.- A simple hug told me I need to start doing that.