As a mother of a now two-year-old, I always heard the stories of postpartum depression before she was born. I was told of the symptoms, where to reach out, and who to trust when I couldn’t trust myself. I had what I thought was a good support system, which in the end fueled many of my issues. As my daughter was born, I could feel my already set depression worsen. I thought knew what was happening, I had no idea. As I went to my 6 week postpartum appointment, I prepared to be told I had PPD. Yet I wasn’t told that. I was told I had postpartum psychosis. My body was basically representing an episode of bipolar illness. The symptoms most closely resemble those of a rapidly evolving manic (or mixed) episode. I was mad, sad, happy, and every other emotion within a few hours. I was wanting to end my life when I was my happiest and came close when I was at my lowest. I had a child I was denied for years. My perfect rainbow baby was here, and I wanted to be gone. My support system was patchy. I didn’t know how to reach out and who was within reach worsened my life one sentence at a time. This went on for months, almost years. I was called crazy, told I wasn’t a good mother, and even that I didn’t deserve this chance at being a parent. I was called pathetic and weak for seeking medical help in the form of a medication. So instead of balancing my brain, I let it run loose. I made rash decisions voiced by my biggest enemy who masked himself as my biggest supporter. I lost so many dear to me, who to this day I wish I could get back. It took leaving my child’s father, and starting completely over. I found myself over time. I found a support system I call family now. I found peace and love within myself. I’m a mother I will be proud of throughout the years and a mother my daughter will love endlessly. I wish I would’ve found this within me long ago so I could love my life and the time with my daughter sooner but I’m here finally. In the end I’m still learning and moving passed everything. I’m hurtling towards the end of my Self Love Journey and I’m finally proud enough to speak about it. 💜
- dsbrandle95