My name is Audrey. I have a 6 month old baby girl. She is the center of my world and I’ve never loved someone so much in my life. With that being said, what comes with motherhood and a love that’s so strong it hurts, comes a hateful feeling for yourself, just as strong. I remember being 8 months pregnant in my OB/GYN’s office , talking to my midwife about my anxiety/panic disorder and how she recommends seeing a counselor after birth. She said I was high risk for postpartum depression. I didn’t believe it at the time because I was happy and so excited to have my baby. You don’t feel it coming, it just hits you like a ton of bricks one day, and that happened to me. First it started off with the panic attacks and severe anxiety from sleepless nights. I thought I wouldn’t be a good mother, if I go to sleep somethings going to happen to her and I’m going to wake up to find my baby’s not breathing. After a while, those feelings subsided. Then came the feeling of hating my body. And boy did I really hate my body. I would go through old photos on Instagram and think why cant I look like that again? Why do so many women have babies and bounce back to 120 lbs but I’m over here steadily gaining weight because I just had a c - section, plus I had a new born so I physically couldn’t get into shape due to having to heal, plus I don’t even have the time to go to the gym. They can tell you everything they think they need to tell you about the postpartum period but every woman is different and you don’t really know what its like until you feel it. Eventually it got past a point of just hating my body, I came to hate myself as a whole, and my entire life. Suicidal thoughts came into play but my little girl kept me going no matter how bad the feeling got. I am now in a place where I’m slowly starting to feel better. I just got hired at a call center, I got added to Raye’s amazing team of assistant photographers, I got childcare set up (one of my biggest stresses and triggers for depression), I have a YMCA membership that has child watch so I can get back into shape slowly and start loving my body again. I constantly remind myself that I have this body because I created a beautiful tiny human, but let’s be honest. In a society that constantly compares women and you see pictures of “perfect” models all over the place, that reminder is very hard to accept. I’m on my way to loving myself again and it doesn’t happen over night, it’s takes productivity. I will not let depression win. I will fight this battle and LOVE MYSELF TO THE FULLEST!
- audreyhb50