Self-love.
Not to sound all college-application-essay, but what does that mean to me? It’s a phrase we’re inundated with pretty much on the daily. It’s become trendy. Worthy of a hashtag on your latest selfie with a glass of wine. But what does it really mean?
For me, it’s a concept I’m only vaguely familiar with. I’m still learning what it really means to love myself. I’ve often wondered why that’s such a difficult thing for me to grasp. Why it’s such a difficult thing for almost every woman I know to grasp.
I’m the type of person that has always put others first. I will put my feelings aside if it will make someone else more comfortable or happier. I will sacrifice my needs and wants for the sake of another’s. I’m uncomfortable with compliments because there’s always going to be someone prettier, smarter, better. So why compliment me? I’m nothing special.
I’ve never looked at this as a bad thing, because I love to give my all to the people I care about. But what do you do when nobody gives it back to you? What do you do when you are constantly loving others and don’t have any to give back to yourself? Well, you change it. Don’t wait for others to catch up. Don’t wait for them to realize they’re draining you. Stop letting them.
I’ve said a lot that the last year of my life has been transformative. The death of my Father, my hero. The death of my marriage. The death of friendships that were only there for their own interests. Sure, there has been a lot of loss, but do you know what else there’s been? Growth. An abundance of it. I have never needed to take care of myself more than I have in this last year, so what a perfect time to learn.
They say you can’t pour from an empty cup. Well, they’re right. So what fills me? Cuddling up with my dogs after a long day. Picking up a camera and watching someone’s armor break away piece by piece in front of me. The sound when I break the binding on a new book. Taking road trips. Spending time with positive influences that are only interested in enhancing my journey, not becoming a roadblock.
So this is what I’m doing. Some days, the best I can do is still being here. But you know what? That’s enough. I am enough. This life is enough because it’s mine. I am continuing to fill my own cup so that I can continue giving to those that I love. I’m getting better at recognizing who is deserving of that love. But no one, not one person, is more deserving of it than me.
I will stumble, but I will always get back up. I will forget the lessons I’ve learned, but I will always find ways to remind myself what I’m made of. I will continue to make mistakes, but I will always learn from them.
This is what we have to do. We have to keep getting back up, reminding ourselves what we’re made of, and learn from the ways we mess up. Never strive for perfection. You’re already there. You’re perfect because of every way that you’re not.
Love,
Hex